


Keep Fighting

by Lara_the_daydreamer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Physical Abuse, Protective Magnus Bane, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-04 13:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15842208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lara_the_daydreamer/pseuds/Lara_the_daydreamer
Summary: >Pain, fear, sadness, guilt. But as a Shadowhunter he wasn't allowed to show the emotions swirling in his chest begging for release, so he turned to the only thing that gave him some relief. Cutting.<>Magnus could see the redness in his eyes, the exhaustion was evident in his every feature but what scared Magnus the most was the numbness that seemed to overcome Alec. He was blank, numb, emotionless.<> Scars littered his skin all the way from his wrists to his elbows. Some where faded, controlled, aligned and not as deep while others were erratic, deep slashes that curved in every direction. Alec stared at Magnus with wide eyes, hoping Magnus wouldn't notice the bruises and cuts that weren't self inflicted. That he wouldn't notice what his father did to him.<





	1. Scars

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT: If you have expirence with self harm, suicidal thoughts and/or these things trigger you don't read this. And if you're hurting, please talk to someone. Please keep fighting. I myself have struggled with suicidal thoughts at one point and I know it looks hopeless but there is always something to fight for. Find hope in the little things. Look outside. Hear the birds chirping or the rain pitter patter on the sidewalk. Or listen to your favourite song, enjoy the beautiful melody. Read a book, learn from the characters. Cry. Cry your heart out and let it all out. Scream, shout. Do whatever it takes. But NEVER stop fighting. You are unique and one of a kind and you are here for a purpose! You deserve to be here! I love you. No, I don't know you but I love you. I support you and I'm telling you: It's okay not to be okay. It's okay. Everything you did, everything you are is okay. It's all okay.

  _„Worthless. Stupid. Weak. Useless.“_ A voice dangerously similar to his father's repeated in Alec's head as he draged the sharp blade across the pale skin of his arms. He was 12. He had just failed his first mission. It was also the first out of many times his father used his fist to put him back in his place. Even though the rational part of him told him it wasn't his fault, that the demon was way to strong for a 12 year old to defeat, his father's words stung like no blade ever could and convinced him it was his weakness that killed that mundane girl, it was his weakness that let the demon escape. So he punished himself and soon the punshiment became a dangerous habit. Every time he did something wrong, made the slightest mistake, he would punish himself and he believed he deserved it. Sometimes it scared him how good he'd become in hiding it from everyone. Yes, the iratze could heal him but the scars were still there. A reminder that he wasn't good enough, he'd never be good enough. Then he met Magnus. He suddenly didn't feel the need to hurt himself anymore. Magnus made him feel like he was worth something. But tonight, after another mission almost turned into a disaster, because of him of course, he sat on the ground, the razor in his trembling hand. His father was far from happy. He retuned from Idris just to let Alec know how disappointed he was, again. He hit Alec, again. He hurt him more than he could ever imagine, again. Alec was used to the abuse by now but that didn't make it hurt any less. He told Alec he didn't deserve to be a Shadowhunter, let alone the head of the Institute. And Alec believed him. He felt so much. Pain, fear, sadness, guilt. But as a Shadowhunter he wasn't allowed to show the emotions swirling in his chest begging for release, so he turned to the only thing that gave him some relief. Cutting.

 

Magnus was worried about Alec for a while now. He akways knew the Shadowhunter struggled with emotions and mostly kept to himself. But lately he'd been more closed off than usual. Magnus could see the redness in his eyes, the exhaustion was evident in his every feature but what scared Magnus the most was the numbness that seemed to overcome Alec. He was blank, numb, emotionless. Magnus tried to talk to him a few times but Alec brushed him off, pushed him away. Then there was the most recent cause of Magnus' worry. Alec's suicide attempt at Max's party. It might've been induced by magic but it couldn't have created the thoughts. It just brought them out. „Alexander, come sit down for a moment.“ He called Alec over to the couch as soon as the Shadowhunter stepped through the door. „Hey.“ Alec forced a smile to his face and pecked Magnus lips, sitting down. „We have to talk. And you're not getting out of it.“ Magnus told him sternly and Alec sighed. „Are you okay?“ It was a simple question but it turned some switch in Alec that made him go into defense mode. „Yes. I'm okay. Why?“ He lied. Magnus sighed. „Did you ever lie to me, Alexander?“ The warlock asked him and Alec instantly denied. He'd never lie to Magnus. „Then why are you lying to me now?“ Magnus was smart, that's for sure. He knew how to get Alec to open up. Not pushing but rather nudging him in the right direction. Alec looked at his hands, intertwined in his lap. Subconciously he pulled the sleeves of his jacket down to cover his wrists. Magnus noticed the motion. He didn't say anything, he waited for Alec to talk first. „I'm fine.“ Alec tried to convince his boyfriend but Magnus was smarter than that. „I know you're not okay. I just need you to tell me why.“ „Would you stop!“ Alec's mood jumped from sad to furious in a second. „Leave me alone! I don't need you to tell me how I feel and what I'm supposed to feel! So just back of!“ He yelled, tugging on his sleeves again. Magnus went to put a hand on Alec's shoulder but pulled away when Alec flinched at the movement. „Alexander?“ He whispered. He was terrified Alec would tell him what he was already afraid might be happening to his lover. Tears gathered in the Shadowhunter's eyes but he swallowed them down, ignoring the pain clawing at his chest begging to finally be let out. „Alexander.“ Magnus repeated. „Talk to me darling. Please. Don't push me away.“ „I'm not pushing you anywhere! I'm just asking you to believe me when I tell you I'm fine!“ Alec could feel the tears coming again and he knew that if this conversation went on any longer he wouldn't be able to hold back. Once again, his hand went to his wrist, pulling the jacket down. Swiftly and with impossible speed, Magnus grabbed Alec's shoulders and basically ripped the jacket off of him revealing Alec's arms. Magnus gasped. Scars littered his skin all the way from his wrists to his elbows. Some where faded, controlled, aligned and not as deep while others were erratic, deep slashes that curved in every direction. Alec stared at Magnus with wide eyes, hoping Magnus wouldn't notice the bruises and cuts that weren't self inflicted. That he wouldn't notice what his father did to him. But Magnus noticed. The handmarks on Alec's neck, the obvious bruises that were peeking from the collar of his shirt. „Darling, take your shirt off.“ Magnus ordered and for some odd reason Alec obeyed, revealing his scared, battered, bruised torso. Some marks Magnus already knew, they were from demons and monsters Alec had to fight but many were fresh and obviously the work of punches and kicks. „Who did this to you?“ Magnus asked unable to hide the ager in his voice. Alec stayed quiet for a moment. „My....my father.“ He mumbled. Then he felt Magnus' gentle hands on his chest healing every cut and bruise. „He'll never hurt you again.I promise.“ Magnus vowed. Alec chuckled darkly. „Yeah. He will.“ „No. I won't let him. And I won't let you hurt yourself either.“ Magnus added and Alec looked at the ground. „2 months.“ He whispered. „After I met you I was clean for 2 months.“ He finally opened up and Magnus just listened afraid that if he said the wrong thing Alec would retreat back into himself. „But then this mission...it went south. I messed it up. I know I did! My father...he...when we came back...he said I was worthless. Stupid. Weak. Useless.“ With every word Alec felt more tears sting his eyes. And he let them fall. He was tired. So tired. Tired of being strong, calm and collected. He was so tired. „I....Magnus I want.....I want to die.“ He whimpered. Magnus chocked on his breath. „Please don't say that.“ „It's true. That night, on the roof, I wanted to do it and I know it wasn't just the magic. I think...if you weren't here, spell or no spell I would've...I would've done it at some point.“ Alec admitted unable to control the sobs that suddenly overtook his body, making him tremble. Magnus quickly pulled him into a tight hug. „It's okay. Let it out, love. Let it out. It's okay.“ He whispered, softly carresing Alec's hair, back and arms. They sat there for a long time before Alec managed to calm his breathing and pulled away from the hug. „Now listen to me.“ Magnus took Alec's hands in his, holding on tightly. „We'll get you help, okay? I'll help you. I just need you to promise me you won't hurt yourself again.“ „Okay.“ Alec said in a small, broken voice. „I promise.“ „Good. If you ever feel like doing it again come to me instead. Or call me. Talk to me. We'll get through this. Together.“ Magnus promised. He kissed Alec softly and the Shadowhunter smiled into the kiss, a genuine smile for the first time in weeks. „It's going to be okay.“ Magnus reassured and Alec believed him. He felt, for the first time in a while, a spark of hope. He believed that he could get better. He wanted to get better, not only for Magnus but for himself. He was Alec Lightwood. And Alec Lightwood doesn't give up. He fights. And he wins. He will fight. And he will win.


	2. All I need

With Magnus' help Alec was recovering. Slowly, but he was. He was three months clean from self harm. He talked to a therapist a few times but what helped most was talking to Magnus. The man who has been where Alec was. Who stood on the edge of a bridge ready to jump. Who knew what hating yourself felt like. Magnus listened and he understood. He never pushed Alec and was never angry if he had a relapse. Then Robert Lightwood came to visit the Institute. Magnus was there along with Izzy, who was the only other peson Alec told about the abuse and his depression. They were in Alec's room, talking when Robert came in. Alec's face was drained of all color when he saw his father. Izzy glared at the man while Magnus stood protectively in front of his boyfriend. „I need to speak to my son.“ Robert motioned for Izzy and Magnus to get out. „It's okay. I'll be fine.“ Alec said and they left reluctantly.  „I heard about your little „depression“ problem.“ Robert air quoted the word. „I need you to stop seeking attention and start acting like a man. Well, as much of a man as you can be.“ His father continued. „I'm not seeking attention.“ Alec mumbled, staring at the ground. „Right. Get a grip or I'll be forced to knock some sense into you myself.“ Robert clenched his fist and Alec flinched. „Also, you're no longer fit to be the head of this Institute. I'm taking over.“ With that Robert left. Magnus was back in the room in a split second ready to kill Robert if he hurt Alec. „Everything okay?“ He asked. Alec smiled, a smile very obviously sarcastic. „Everything's fine. I'm no longer head of the Institute and I'm aparently only seeking attention.“ Alec was furious. „Ignore it. That's the best advice I can give. Focus on yourself.“ Magnus told him and Alec nodded. „I know. I'll be okay, don't worry.“ He assured.

 

A few days went by and Alec was perfectly fine avoiding his father and not talking to him at all. He was mostly at Magnus' so he didn't see Robert very often and even when he did they barely acknowledged eachother's existence. Until one day Robert called Alec into his office. Magnus offered to go with him but Alec said this was his problem and he was going to deal with it alone. So Magnus was stayed behind, waiting nervously as Alec closed the door of the office. „You wanted to see me?“ His father looked at him with nothing but loathing in his eyes. Even that one look was enough to push a part of Alec's mind into a very dark place but he kept holding on. Barely. „Why exactly did you call me here?“ Alec asked, covering the pain up with annoyance. „I called you to tell you one more time to get a grip or I'll have to punish you.“ Robert threathened. Alec stayed quiet, suppressing the fear rising in his chest. „Will you fix yourself?“ Robert asked. Alec said nothing. „Answer me Alec.“ Robert stepped closer. Alec was quiet. „Will you leave that ridiculous warlock, stop with the stupid stories about depression and be a man?“ Robert's voice was cold and poisonous. Alec didn't reply. Bam. A hard fist connected with Alec's face and sent him tumbling to the ground. Kick. A boot was slammed into his stomach. Gasp. The air was knocked out of his lungs. His vision blurred. He felt the blood trickling from his nose and busted lip.

 

Once his father was finally satisfied with his punishment, Alec stumbled to his room and locked the door. He opened the bottom drawer of his desk for his stele to heal himself but his eyes fell on the razor instead. _„You're weak, Alec. You don't care about your family, your honour. All you care about is that stupid warlock. You say you're depressed but we both know it's just a pathetic cry for attention. You deserve to be punished, Alec.“_ Robert's words repeated themselves in Alec's mind like an insane, painful mantra. He needed, craved the release. He grabbed the blade and collapsed on the bed. With a deep shaky breath he pressed the cold blade to his skin. He sighed as the warm blood poured down his arm. „You deserve this. You deserve this.“ He mumbled, his movements becoming less controled and more erratic. Usually he'd stop before he was in any danger of bleeding to death. He would think of Magnus, Jace and Izzy and he'd stop. He couldn't cause them so much pain. But tonight was different. He was so tired of fighting. His family would be fine, they'd move on. His father would be happy. Yes. If Alec died, Robert would be happy. He'd finally be happy. If Alec killed himself he'd make him happy. So he didn't stop. His vision was blurry and he could feel himself drifting off. With one final slash across his wrist Alec's head hit the bed and the razor slipped from his fingers onto the ground. He let out one last trembling breath before his eyes fluttered closed, his last thought being Magnus and how much he loved him.

 

Jace gasped, clutching his parabatai rune in terror as immense pain coursed through his body. „Jace? What's wrong?“ Izzy lifted her eyes from the screens in the control room and rushed to her brother's side. „Alec.“ Jace managed to whimper before falling to the ground, screaming. Magnus, who was with them waiting for Alec, ran to Alec's room only to find the door locked. „Alexander?! Alexander please!“ He shouted. No reply. He used his magic to break down the door. „Alec!“ He gasped when he saw the Shadowhunter lifeless on the bed, blood dripping from his arms. He rushed to Alec's side and quickly healed all the wounds hoping Alec didn't bleed out already. „Alxander?“ He whispered hopefully. He pressed his ear to Alec's chest. There was still a weak heartbeat, barely audiable. Magnus didn't bother wiping away his tears and instead got to work on healing his love as much as he could.

 

Magnus' magic was almost completely drained by the time Alec opened his eyes. The Shadowhunter sat up on the bed and looked around in confusion. „I'm alive?“ He asked and Magnus nodded, not trusting his voice to be strong enough to speak. Magnus felt his heart shatter into a milion pieces as Alec examined his healed arms and a look of disappointment crossed his face. „If you died, Alexander, I'd die too. I need you. So please, I'm begging you, don't leave me.“ Magnus whispered, crawling into the bed next to Alec. That seemed to snap Alec out of his dazed, drunken state and he sobbed. „I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.“ He stuttered in between sobs. Magnus pulled him into his chest and Alec wraped his arms tightly around the warlock's torso seeking warmth, safety, comfort. „Shhhhh...you don't have to apologise, darling. It's okay. It's all going to be okay.“ Magnus whispered soothingly as he ran his fingers through Alec's messy hair. Izzy stood with Jace by the door, both of them in tears and Alec wouldn't even notice them if it weren't for the small whimper that escaped Isabelle's lips. Alec raised his head from Magnus' chest and looked at his siblings. He expected them to tell him how stupid he was for doing what he did, to tell him that he's sick and insane. But they didn't. They both climbed onto the bed and hugged their brother while Magnus held his hand tightly. „We love you, Alec. More than anything.“ Izzy whispered, kissing his cheek. Jace just sqeezed his parabatai's shoulder and smiled softly. „We're here for you.“ He promised. „I'm sorry.“ Alec repeated and this time the other three laughed. „By the Angel, Alec! Stop apologising silly.“ Izzy ruffled his hair. There was a knock on the door. Robert walked in. „Dad?“ Alec's voice trembled. Without a single word Robert pulled Alec's shivering frame from the bed and....hugged him. Alec stood frozen in his father's embrace until he pulled away. „You almost died.“ Robert said in disbelief. „Yeah. Did you buy the balloons?“ Alec asked rolling his eyes. „No. Alec...You're my son.“ Robert was shocked. „And it took me comitting suicide for you to figure it out.“ Alec was done with his father's torture. For good. „Alec I'm sorry.“ Robert said, honestly believing that was enough. „I don't care.“ Alec's voice was calm, confident and cold. „Give me my title back and then run back to Idris to the woman you cheated on my mother with. And warn her that if you ever have children you might beat them up and destroy every ounce of their being.“ He spat. Robert actually looked offended as he left the room without a second glance. „You okay?“ Magnus asked. „I'm okay.“ Alec confirmed and finally after months and months it wasn't a lie. Yes it might take some time to get back to the old him but he was okay. He had his siblings and Magnus. He didn't need anything else. He realised something. He was proud of himself for standing up to Robert. He realised that's all he needed. Not for his father to be proud of him but for him to be proud of himself. He picked up the razor from the ground and tossed it out through the window. Magnus smiled, walked over to his boyfriend and wraped him into a tight hug. Alec rested his head on the warlock's shoulder and sighed. This was his relief. Not cutting. Magnus. Magnus was all he needed when he felt overwhelmed by emotions. Magnus made him feel nothing but love. Magnus was his lifeline. His safe place. And he knew Magnus would always be here to protect him, support him and comfort him even on the darkest nights. „I love you.“ Alec whispered. „I love you too. More than anything.“ Magnus replied. Suddenly, Alec became aware of how exhausted he actually was. Magnus noticed this and led him back to the bed. Izzy and Jace took that as their que to leave. Magnus placed Alec on the bed and pulled the covers over him. „Stay with me.“ Alec mumbled sleepily. „I'm not going anywhere.“ Magnus layed next to him and placed his head on the Shadowhunter's chest and they fell asleep in the comfort of eachother's arms, all the pain and fear almost forgotten as they realised all they ever needed was eachother.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is welcome and appriceated.


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